


Sad Mind

by artistsfuneral



Series: short tumblr stories [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eskel loves Jaskier so so much, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sorry for the bad title, Talking about Depression, Tumblr Prompt, no beta read we die like jaskier never will, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artistsfuneral/pseuds/artistsfuneral
Summary: It's this very combination of circumstances that make Eskel arrive in their room to the bitter smell of sadness and the salty hint of tears in the air. He doesn't knock, before opening the door, too worried about his bard. - “It's stupid,” he sobs and Eskel gently places a hand between his quivering shoulder blades. “It's not stupid, if it has you crying.”---pls mind the tags
Relationships: Eskel/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: short tumblr stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186898
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Sad Mind

.

Eskel makes good time with his contract. What he had thought to be a leshen of all things, had turned out to be a pack of breeding wargs. While any monster in season is a challenge, wargs are something Eskel is used to since he was but a boy. It's eight of them, dispersal wargs that were looking for a new pack, all fairly young and green about their fighting. Eskel comes back into town with nothing but a few scratches that are already healing. He considers for a moment, to tell the townsfolk about their error, but then he remembers that he is not Geralt and doesn't have a savior complex bigger than Cintra. So he accepts the coin with a grim face and makes his way back to the inn, where Jaskier promised to wait for him.

It's this very combination of circumstances that make Eskel arrive in their room to the bitter smell of sadness and the salty hint of tears in the air. He doesn't knock, before opening the door, too worried about his bard. “Jaskier?” He asks into the open room, undoing the strap of his swords. Unsure what to do, like so often, when it comes to the human, he can all but stare at the other man. Jaskier is sitting on the floor of their room with his back to Eskel and his arms wrapped around his pulled up legs. It's obvious that he's crying and yet, Jaskier quickly rubs at his cheeks, trying to hide away his tear stains. “Eskel,” he stutters, giving his best and failing to regain his composure, “you're back early.”

Eskel slowly sits down on the floor behind him, not touching the bard or asking him to turn around. He knows well enough that somethings are easier said if you don't have to look anyone in the eyes. “What's wrong?”

Somehow that question makes Jaskier cry again.

“It's nothing,” he manages to choke out and Eskel sighs. “Jaskier,” his voice is steady despite his inner turmoil, “please don't lie to me. I'm here for you, no matter what.” The bard hiccups and hides his face in his hands, shoulders shaking in quiet tremors. “It's stupid,” he sobs and Eskel gently places a hand between his quivering shoulder blades. “It's not stupid, if it has you crying.”

“But it is!” Jaskier raises his voice and turns around, suddenly sounding angry. “I'm crying over something really stupid that happened years ago, okay?! It has absolutely no impact on my life and it's nothing I can change anymore, but every time I drop I think about one of these stupid things and I just-” He chokes on his words and falls into Eskel's arms, buries his head in the witcher's wide shoulders. Dutifully Eskel wraps his arms around Jaskier and holds him tightly. There are many possible answers going through his head. He wants to tell Jaskier that he's safe, that he's not stupid, that he's allowed to cry and that he's ready to do anything to make Jaskier feel better. Instead he holds on even tighter, slowly rocks Jaskier back and forth and presses soft kisses on top of his hair and against his temples.

It takes a while for Jaskier to calm down enough to stop crying and even then, Eskel doesn't let go. “What'S wrong?” he asks again, careful no to sound impatient or pressing. He watches as Jaskier leans back and uses the corner of his sleeves to get rid of any last tears and snot in his face. “It's- It's nothing specific, really. Just- I try my best to stay strong, but it's just a lot sometimes. I know I'm not normal, something is wrong with my mind, but I can ignore it for a long time. Sometimes though, I will just... drop.”

“You said that before; drop. What does that mean?”

Jaskier lets out a shaky breath, searching for the right words. “I- I get sad. Really sad and I start questioning things I did and should have done better. It's like I'm suddenly aware of all of my small mistakes, no matter how insignificant they may be and that drags me down. Sometimes it's only for a few hours, sometimes that feeling can stay for days. I will over-think everything and my mind will run in cycles and there's- a hundred things I think about at once, so many things I could have done better and so many things I still have to do, but I keep pushing and pushing away, because they seem so big and-” He stops, takes another breath and bites his lips for a moment. When I drop, it makes me... feel stupid, irrelevant, sometimes worthless.” He shrugs helplessly, staring at his fingers. “Sad.”

“Oh,” Eskel breathes out, stunned for a moment. Jaskier pulls back and Eskel lets him, figuring the bard wants his space after opening up and making himself so vulnerable in front of him. “I'm sorry,” he whispers instead and Eskel realizes his mistake. “If you- if you don't want to be with me anymore I understand. I know I can be a lot and-” Eskel doesn't let him finish that thought. “No! No, Jaskier, gods above, no!” He pulls the human back into his arms, suddenly scared that he could vanish.

“Jaskier, no. I love you, I will always love you, no matter what. You are not too much for me, I will never have enough of you. I love you.” With no tears left to flow, Jaskier can only let out a dry sob as he clings to Eskel like a lifeline. “I love you too,” he whimpers into Eskel's shoulders.

“You're not alone, Jaskier,” he promises then. “I have known many people, even witchers, who experienced similar thoughts. Back in Kaer Morhen, we called your drops 'intrusive thoughts' and I know that the Griffin's had a similar word for them.”

Jaskier is quiet for a while and when he speaks again his voice sounds small, “Can you make them stop?” It breaks Eskel's heart to see the bard like this and he can't help but press another soft kiss to his temple. “No, I'm sorry. But I can be there for you, every time you drop. Whenever you need me, no matter how stupid or irrelevant you think it is, I can be there until it goes away.”

Jaskier shuddered and nodded against Eskel's chest. “Please.”

Like so many times before, Eskel is confronted with a battle he doesn't know the outcome of, but he looks at the bard in his arms, the man he loves and that brings him so much joy every day and he knows immediately that he is willing to fight for Jaskier for forever. He loves him, there is no questioning that, because in his eyes Jaskier is greatest person he has ever met and maybe the bard will never be able to see himself like that, but Eskel promises himself that he will do everything to make sure the bard knows about it.

.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Check out [my tumblr](https://artistsfuneral.tumblr.com/)  
> if you ever want to talk.
> 
> (also feel free to yell at me for any (spelling) mistakes, I didn't beta this)


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